It’s Spring! Things are Changing

Spring is in the air, new life is awakening all around us as the earth gives way to the birth of its offspring as the dead of a cold, bleak winter melts away. But we can’t bask in the glory of this new birth too long because Summer will soon be here with its luminous rays of sun and sweltering heat that will be chased away by the welcome crisp winds of Fall. Those once freshly bloomed leaves will change into a beautiful array of colors before departing their life support as winter storms arrive. This sequence of seasons stays the same but the seasons themselves constantly change.

Oftentimes in our lives we become rattled by change and get thrown off balance. A shift in our job, finances, health, schedules, and other things can cause us a lot of anxiety and worry. While it is true that change can be uncomfortable, it is also true that change is natural. Change is constant. As the season changes we accept it and many times welcome it. We may not know exactly how a season will turn out but we have an idea of what each season will bring because of past experience. We prepare ourselves the best that we can and in turn we take the anxiety out the change that is associated with the changing seasons.

I invite you to look at your life in the same manner. Although you don’t exactly know what’s coming around the corner, you get signs and tidbits along the way. A shift in a job usually isn’t so abrupt that there were no warning signs or indicators, a health report from a doctor usually don’t come before the slightest symptoms have appeared, and life’s challenges usually don’t happen without some forewarning along the way. Yes. There are always exceptions to the rules and sometimes things just blindside us. However, the key to taking the sting out of change is to prepare, and in order to prepare we must be aware. Being aware is simply taking time, slowing down and paying attention to the small things; life’s indicators tells us that things are starting to shift a little and things aren’t exactly the same. At the appearance of these indicators try to anticipate and prepare for your next move.

Here are 3 tips to assist you in handling change:

  1. Strive to be flexible and open-minded. Don’t be so rigid that you can’t adapt to situations that present themselves to you. By being open-minded you’ll be able to see new ways of doing things and will be able to embrace change quicker.
  1. Access the situation with a positive mindset. When facing a new situation, look for the positive and ignore that voice of discomfort and negativity. Don’t look at why it won’t work, why it happened, or why at all. But look how this fit into the grand scheme of things and how things can be better as result of it.
  1. Find peace in the situation. One of the hardest things about change is the discomfort that comes with the unknown. Being in an unfamiliar space can be unsettling but you must strive to find a place contentment in whatever situation that you may find yourself in. This type of contentment is peace; resolve. Look at the change and ask yourself if you can control it, if you have the power to alter the change that’s being presented to you. If the answer is yes, and you can’t see any benefit in the change, then enact your power and become the change agent. Don’t allow yourself to be forced into a change, but you be the change. However, if the answer is no (you have no control over the change), then find a way to make the change manageable; embrace the change.

When life presents you changes remember to truly access the situation with an open-mind. Strive to embrace the change, one baby step at a time, and you’ll be surprised by how fast you’ll be up and running.

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Getting To ‘Happy’ In the Midst Adversity

Sunset_Party_Dancing_Girl_Silhouette

As we acknowledge Black History Month we applaud the efforts and strong will by those who refused to be silent in the face of racism and stood for their beliefs, dignity and community. Those persons braved the Jim Crow laws, segregation, defamation, and degradation in spite of being treated uncivilized, like ravage animals in the wild. Those resilient people of color and brave white Americans sacrificed at a great cost to pave the way for a better atmosphere today. Those persons had to endure horrible acts, fear and humiliation. Those courageous human beings took a stand against the ugliness of racism.

I cannot say that I have a personal story with racism, but I will share that my success lies on the shoulders of my father Bernard Matthews who experienced, spraying, police brutality, segregation and poverty. He grew up in Bessemer, Alabama and marched for freedom with many of his siblings and friends. My father was actually at the church a few hours before 4 small girls were killed by a bomb just because the color of their skin. The ironic thing about my father is he never shared any of his horrific experiences with my sister and I until we completed our graduate degrees and had worked for many years.   He taught us how to love and work hard, and if you did those things you would be a success. He never talked about racism or adversity, he worked hard and utilized the skills his mother taught him and created his opportunities. He reached beyond adversity and found a way to live happily ever after.

However, can you imagine how these events can weigh down a person? How it affects them mentally as well as physically? Most importantly, how it could obliterate a person’s self-esteem? There’s evidence that the psychological games, public humiliation, and disrespect that was shown towards black men began to weigh them down. Their self-esteem was wavering and many felt as if they couldn’t go on. But somehow, they managed to get up and fight another day. They fought to breathe, they fought to provide for their families, they fought so that generations to come after them wouldn’t have to endure the hells that they did, and they fought to be human. They had to encourage themselves, remind themselves they weren’t the animals that the media and law enforcers made them out to be. They had to remind their families and the world that they were still men.

i am a man

Racism and oppression is alive today. I work with clients that experience oppression at work and in their relationships. I see clients that deal with financial bondage that impact their ability to function, make sound decisions and live free from mental turmoil. Women still face discrimination in the workforce daily as their male counterparts seek advancement opportunities and more money.   These situations cause a value reduction and they impact your self worth tremendously.

Without a high sense of self-esteem you can easily slip into a dark place of deep depression. A healthy self-esteem is critical to living a healthy life, and it must be maintained regardless of the situations of life that you may find yourself in. It helps your life become more manageable (you’ll be able to distinguish what’s truly important and worth your time). In turn, you’ll know your worth and feel more deserving of good things. Once you know your worth, you’ll exude a strong sense of confidence that makes you more attractive in relationships. (You’ll also be better able to handle relationships as well as the many changes and challenges that they present.) Overall, you’ll be in better moods more often which leads to a happy life.

The first step to getting to this happy place is to take inventory of your life and set some goals. Don’t procrastinate, simply take out a piece of paper and write down ten (yes 10) of your strengths down one side, draw a line and then write down ten of your weaknesses on the other side so that you can see and compare both. Stay there until you have ten of each. No strength or weakness is too small. Now, use this list to set some REALISTIC goals for yourself.

The ongoing step is to work on reaching your goals and create high self-esteem. Below are 10 ways to build your self-esteem.

  1. Squash that negative internal voice. I’m sure that little pessimistic voice in your head is already at work trying to convince you that this isn’t for you, that it’ll never work, and other untrue destructive things. Ignore that voice and move forward. (Just like those civil rights protestors ignored the threats, marched in spite of being hosed down in the streets and continued peacefully past the National Guard; you can muster the strength to move ahead past that pestering voice.)
  1. Start a journal. Daily (I suggest mornings while the day is fresh and untainted) write down 3 positive things about yourself. Small things (big is okay, too) like: how you feel this morning, how you look, compliments you’ve been given, the mere fact that you’re taking control of your life, etc.
  1. Abandon Comparisons! One of the biggest ‘chains’ of low self-esteem is comparing yourself to others and allowing your perceived short comings to hold you back. Remember that you are uniquely made, and while you may be similar to someone else you are very much different FOR A REASON and you can’t truly be compared to another person. We all have different fingerprints for a reason and it’s for identification (because we are diverse human beings) not comparison.
  1. Put yourself in the company of supportive people. Being in negative company puts you in a negative mood which lowers your self-esteem. When given the invitation to a pity party (even if it’s your own) HASTILY decline and Run in the opposite direction. Find people who enjoy the things you enjoy and go hang out with people who you share common interests with. Have a hard time finding these people? Well, you’re in luck, ‘there’s an app for that’ (Meetup)
  1. Challenge yourself. Trying new things, stepping outside of your comfort zone is scary. But it is highly liberating. The act of doing something different opens you up to a world of possibilities. Some stuff you will be successful at (and oh, the joy you’ll experience when you find such things) and other things you won’t be successful at (but you can say that you did it, you tried something new, and you are living life without restrictions).
  1. Realize that perfection is myth. No one is perfect, nothing is perfect and the grass is certainly not greener up close. Instead of attempting to be perfect, attempt to do your absolute best. Your best is your excellence. Throw away the idea of perfect and instead embrace the idea of achievement as well as mistakes. Look at life through the lens of “I accomplished/didn’t accomplish what I set out to do” and “this is how I should approach the situation the next time.” Also don’t look at failure, but mistakes. Take the pressure off of yourself and simply say “I made a mistake, that wasn’t the wisest choice at that time and next time I know what not to do” then MOVE FORWARD with your life. Write down the lesson you learned and leave it there. You MUST encourage yourself.
  1. Take care of yourself.
  • Be selfish and schedule time for yourself. Be sure to engage in things that allows you to relax (pampering, reading, playing games).
  • I know, this can be a struggle. But as little as 10-minutes a day will make huge difference. Getting the blood pumping increase your energy, lightens your mood, reduces your stress, and helps your heart.
  1. Spend time on your self-image. Be flexible here and be willing to change. Take time and work on your personal hygiene. Stop waiting for special occasion to wear your special fragrance and nice clothes. Every day you’re living is a special day. Be sure to present yourself like you’re worth a million dollars (because the truth of the matter is, you’re worth more than that; You’re priceless)
  1. Remember the ‘golden rule’: Treat others the way you want to be treated. When you are kind to others and carry yourself as a kind person you feel better. (remember, a kind word can go a long way. I’m sure you can attest to the power of a compliment and a kind word.) There is something universal about making others feel better; helping others out that makes you feel better. Some people call it Karma while others call it positive energy; whatever it is, it truly works and it’s uplifting.
  1. Do what’s right. Inside of all of us is a conscience and when we ignore it we tend to feel awful. Sometimes we get to a place where we’ve ignored it so long that we become numb to it and that voice is so faint that we barely hear it. If we would just do those things that we know to be morally right, that voice will being to reappear and tug on our hearts. We have to be open, apologetic for our wrongdoings, and commit to being better. The fact of the matter is this: when we do what we know to be right and carry ourselves with integrity we feel better and people respect and trust us. Gaining respect and trust instantly reflects your value and worth.

It is my sincere hope that you work to get to your happy place, that you will find your own strength, that you will become resilient in the face of adversity and that you will thrive, living a full and abundant life. I realize that this may sound easier than it is. I can attest that this is a process, a journey, and sometimes an uphill battle; but it’s worth it. YOU are worth it. Getting to this place will take time, will be laden with small victories and setbacks; but you must keep at it. Be kind to yourself, be reasonable with yourself and your expectations. If you ever feel like this is too much to bear and you can’t handle this alone; know that I am here for you. I’d love to talk to you, help you along your journey and make sure that you get to your happy place.

INVIGORATE! (Achieving Health & Wellness Goals)

This month Illumination Counseling and Coaching, LLC has focused on invigorating your health and wellness goals. Health and wellness goals aren’t limited to being physically fit and dietary adjustment, but they transcend into how you live, manage your time, operate professionally, and plan for your future. We understand that if you set goals for yourself that challenges you to get to a ‘better’ place in your life and work hard towards those goals that you will create a full and balanced life for yourself. In a nutshell, being healthy and well is all about being the best ‘YOU’ possible.

I know very well the importance of establishing goals, maintaining goals and even adjusting goals when needed. In December right before the New Year I went to the doctor for a routine physical and found that a lot of my levels were off. My blood pressure was sky high, my thyroid and my sugar was off and I had picked up several unwanted pounds.   Well, you might be thinking this is no big deal because lots of people experience these changes. While that may be true, for me it was crucial for me to develop a healthier plan for living.   Not just to look cute at the beach but also to appreciate and respect the sacrifice God made in creating me.   Also, I had to recognize that it would be difficult to live out his purpose and plan for my life if I do not change some things.   Well, I cannot say I have all the answers and that these changes will be easy but I have created some obtainable goals and I have team of individuals to support me along away.

Here are some tips that can help US on our path to getting healthier and well:

  1. Write your goals down and describe them in detail
  2. Create some goals that are easily attainable and some that truly challenge you beyond where you think you can go (but really want to see yourself going).
  3. Create action steps to reach your goals. Break those big goals down into manageable milestones to reach along the way.
  4. NEVER GIVE UP!!! If it doesn’t seem like you are getting anywhere DON’T CHANGE YOUR GOAL, alter your action steps.
  5. Be persistent! Keep trying. Keep working. Keep striving.

Let’s get to a healthy and well place together!! I look forward to your feedback and success stories throughout the year!

Take a closer look within

             

Which one is real?  Why is authenticity important?

You would have to look very close to determine which one of these pictures represents an authentic diamond.  When determining authenticity perhaps you would look at clarity or even look at the cut of the diamond.  Perhaps some would look at the size to determine authenticity. There are a number of tests that you can conduct to tell the difference between a genuine diamond and a fake. The authenticity of a diamond is important because it measures the rings VALUE.  I speak with people daily that are faced with being true and authentic. To be transparent and REAL, I have struggled with this as well.  It is very easy to represent different faces to so many people while masking your true self for fear of not being accepted.  What I’ve come to realize is that I am really not any different from the diamond.  Value is measured internally and not externally.  To understand your purpose and value you must seek clarity and be true to yourself.   So my question to you is which picture do you represent?